Check In

I was fired on March 24th. It was completely out of the blue and it has been totally surreal. I wake up and it is the first thing I think about. When I fall asleep I have to work so hard to distract myself, mostly by making up college basketball teams in my head. During the day most of my thoughts quickly turn into replaying the conversation I had with HR. I have begged God many times for me to go back to the conversation. Partly because I think if I said something else I wouldn't have gotten fired. But mostly because I wasn't myself in the conversation. I attempted to be candid and honest, but in truth I was scared and weak and cowed in front of two people who held my fate. I couldn't believe it was happening, and that is what I am most ashamed of, that I never slowed down and took control of my own fate. But if I did have the opportunity to go back in time, what would I say? Would I do what my director would have done, which is say very little, be super careful with my words and self protective? Would I be like my wife and not answer anything until I knew exactly what was going on? Or would I speak to the hear and now, note the power differential, the binds they were putting me in, the standard that no one could live up to, the disgust and rolling of their eyes they displayed? I know that wouldn't have gone well, but I am pretty good at it when it happens and would have love to have seen what happened.