The COUNT!

Hey, remember when I was worried about the count visiting? I do. The count has clearly made it back to my house. Not only have I still not found my keys but the door was wide open one day when I got home! And later Super Stace found another door unlocked....da da da..... I don't know what he is up to, but I am so excited to find out

Happiness 10/18/14

Jeremy: One day closer to Soletta Ryan: Getting the freeze in the garage Derrick: Watching football, eating pizza

3 things that made me happy 10/16

Jeremy: Was able to turn in all the necessary paperwork and am able to go on baby leave whenever I need to Ryan: Was able to sit down and really connect with one of the patient's, the first time in a long time. I loved it Derrick: Got jimmy john's for dinner because we finally finished all the leftovers

Bodies by Susie Orbach
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Susie Orbach is fantastic. Spending time with her in this book makes me both want to do more and more okay with myself. Which is amazing because the book is about the hatred of female bodies. I was totally convinced of everything she said, and even though she wouldn't want me to be, I have become a mindless follower of her. Way to go, you!

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Happy 10-15

Derrick: Mark Driscoll finally got the job that he was meant for...a non-pastor Ryan: I had a great nap after going home early Jeremy: I only have 2 more days of work this week

Spies: The Rise and Fall of the KGB in America by John Earl Haynes
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

What a fun book, I read it like a thriller. I always saw this generation's focus on the communist witch hunt as awkward. Yes, everything about me hates the idea of accusing people who have no way of defending themselves. I in general don't like any sort of conspiracy theories or idea that someone out there is trying to do us harm. But I always wondered if it was the witch hunts that made sure this country never became a communist country. What if they spent all this energy preventing a problem and when it was over, everyone said, "why did you get so worked up."

This book is exactly that. The soviet union had a very strong interest in spying on the united states and turning the the USA into a communist country. And they were much better at spying on us than we were at them. They also did a great job of getting the American communist party to do the work for them. All those people, like the Rosenbergs and Alger Hiss, who people said were victims of a witch hunt, really were spies. I still don't know if it justifies our response, but it changes the conversation, and it definitely makes me rethink McCarthyism.

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Joke

"When they do a car scan do they ever find cats. You know you have a problem if that test comes up positive" Joke from 42 year old with schizophrenia

The Egg

http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html

Shared via the Google app

Happy 10/12

Derrick: Cowboys won! Ryan: time with nephew ollie Jeremy: Got laundry and everything done for start of work!

Internal Triangle, The: New Theories of Female Development by Lucy Holmes
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The internal triangle is when a child interjects mother and father separate and keep the real parent from destroying the child's interpsychic world. This is seen when a child is pretending to be a mother in her play. She is not just mirroring mother but distancing from her

I love the idea that pregnancy changes the woman deeply from one side to the other. Probably because I am soon becoming a father and the idea that it isn't just the baby that is changing us situationaly but the mother is being transformed and reformed by the act of carrying a baby. It is this act that separates the mother from her own internal triangle of her mother and father

I would have to say that reading this book took consistent effort to out these ideas in the book without judgement or critique because it isn't the most naturally appealing ideas and it doesn't fit with my current framework that I allow myself to live in. But I did really enjoy trying out these ideas.

Dream Interpretation to be continued...

A co-worker told me of a reoccurring dream she had.  She said that it was of her teeth falling out.  She has it over and over throughout her whole life.  Teeth falling out is a very common dream, but for such a common dream it has so many potential interpretations.  I read everything to insecurity of appearance to loss of control.  All the co-worker told me that was a consistent process through her life was her mother becoming a drug addict and the repercussions, but I didn't have enough time to really dig into the story to see her associations.  I wrote this because whatever process this young lady has been going though her whole life that has to be presented as her teeth falling out must be a pretty powerful story.  More to come, hopefully, more to come

3 things that made me happy today

Derrick: Watching the last of the office with super stace, great nostolgia
Ryan: having a great conversation with co-workers about all sorts of stuff
Jeremy Gleed: Having to tackle a patient at work and no one getting hurt

Pooh Bear is finally home

I found pooh bear, my transition object, at my parents house and brought him home to my new house.  I gave him a tour of every room and really loved it.  Super Stace said he gets a bath, which will probably be his first in his 34 years.  Oh boy

Review of the Damien Rice music video for 9 crimes

Ryan: It was fun to sing along to
Jeremy: The woman's head was so distracting. I had such a hard time getting out of the lens of patriarchy. Why wasn't it his head as a balloon?
Derrick: So the moral of the story is that little kids are jerks and they kill everything that is good? I can go along with that.

book review

The Americanization of Narcissism by Elizabeth Lunbeck
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I would have given it 4 stars after I first finished it, but the aftertaste has moved me down to three stars. I see this book as mostly a critique of a small group of people who believe narcissism was a certain way, mainly weak and dependent. She uses Kohut and Kernberg to argue that Narcissism is more grandiosity and individualism than previously understood. The author is writing about the popular cultural understanding of narcissism and how that affects society, but it is hard to not want to make her view of narcissism just a tad more complex.


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The Protest Psychosis: How Schizophrenia Became a Black Disease by Jonathan M. Metzl
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The schizophrenia rate for African Americans is still 3 times that of Caucasians. If schizophrenia is as heritable of a disease as it has been presented, this statistic should not happen. The author did a great job of showing the importance of structural prejudice in understanding mental illness. He argues that it was not and is not the racist intentions of individual psychiatrists but rather the much larger cultural structural situation that the psychiatrists cannot see outside of.

In my work I am part of a team that is constantly diagnosing schizophrenia and it is very easy to see it as a heritable disease that culture has no say in. But it is also obvious to see that the young schizophrenics are much more likely to be Hispanic than White. And yet I cannot think of a single case where a Hispanic was diagnosed schizophrenic and shouldn't have been. It is only when I take a step back that I can see my racial/cultural bias.

Where the author is weak is his explanation of schizophrenia and symptoms. The people he used as case studies would not be diagnosed schizophrenic unless they were showing signs of psychosis, I.E. talking to themselves or other signs of responding to internal stimuli. He makes it sound like African Americans were being detained because they were angry. While I am sure that happened at times, I imagine most of that population was hidden in jails and not institutions.

Another part of this equation that I don't think got enough attention was the role of illicit substances. Anyone who has worked with the severely mentally ill knows the co-morbidity issue and how it clouds all diagnosis. There are times it is very hard to tell if the psychosis is caused by the drugs, or if the patient is attempting to mask the psychosis with drugs. The issue of chemical dependency treatment and diagnosis with African Americans is a much larger topic again, and it goes perfectly with the author's assertion of the racial/structural blinders that continue to bias decision making in mental health.

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Difficult things for today

1. Holding verbal anxiety is very hard for me.  I often like to talk about information that I need to hold, because talking about it would be more about me than about anyone else.  This is something I really want to work on during this time of life.  Holding anxiety is something I am constantly asking my patients to do, and it is a great gift if they are able to pick it up.  Today I was able to hold some, and in this theme, I won't tell you about it.  
2. Super Stace went to the hospital for a stress test for Soletta.  She is fine.  It is still hard
3. I am learning to pay attention to one thing at a time, but it is incredibly hard for me.  


“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” ― M. Scott Peck

october 7th, 2014, what brought me to happyness

Jeremy: Finally getting CPR done
Ryan: Not panicking during the cpr
Derrick: Watching gone girl, the last movie super stace and I will see before Soletta is born

I wanted to read this list of essays later and couldn't figure out the best way to save it

So I put it here

Finally went to CPR Class

A few years ago I got my first aid CPR training that was required for my job.  It consisted of me being alone with my instructor who stared at me while I breathed unsuccessfully into a baby doll.  He eventually passed me, I think because he was tired and wanted to go home.  I was so traumatized by this that I refused to renew the experience, event o the point that I am still in the probation period of work despite being a supervisor.  Finally, I knew I had to do it, because I wouldn't get my vacation days that I would need to be home when the baby is born, so I had to do it.  This time I went with about 20 other people, and the instructor was very entertaining, even if a good portion of what he was talking about was completely wrong.  We only spent 10 minutes breathing into the dolls, and because he wasn't paying attention my stress level was much lower and I was able to keep everyone alive, even the dummies.  I still wouldn't trust me to keep an alive thing alive, like a human or a puppy, but I think all the baby dolls of america are safe.

ten six fourteen happy!

Ryan: Getting a terrible headache and pushing through, stayed the whole day at work
Derrick: The upcoming football game at the parents we are going to write after I finish typing.
Jeremy: Finding out the overnight shift will be filled for now on!

happy ten five fourteen

Ryan: So glad my headache was gone.  Good connection with super stace
Derrick: So glad to stay home and no obligations all day.  Also dinner of pizza salad was awesome
Jeremy: Refreshed to start the new day at work.  Exercised for a few hours

Ryan and Bear Hawk

In my quest for my story, I have given Ryan the sidekick of bear hawk to venture through life with.  I will be imagining the Ryan side of me and use the encouragement, fierceness and Fuck-you-ness of bearhawk to see where it goes.  I will check in regularly to see what happens.

More on my house

Enjoy your Symptoms!

I am working to enjoying my mental health issues, celebrate instead of fight my madness and know better my maladies.  So this goes into my spirit illnesses and I want to flush it out more.  As this is a working blog, much more my journal than anything that I have pressure to present, I am changing the idea of spirit illnesses.  This is my new change

Tiger of depression

Rhino of head aches

Scary cat of Anxiety

And my fatigue hippo

book review of Cuckoo's calling

Jeremy: I felt very accomplished reading it and staying with it, difficult at times but very worth it
Ryan: I rarely enjoy fiction more than nonfiction, and that was true here.  And it didn't seem that different than many other stories, but I definitely wanted to like it
Derrick: I don't know if I can really get into a murder mystery.  It is too hard for me to follow all the characters and also be suspicious here.

Review of cinnamon chex

When I want a square shaped cinnamon flavored sugar cereal I usually go for life.  Or cinnamon life, which I think is redundant because life cereal already tastes like cinnamon to me.  But this time I decided to go with cinnamon chex because (1) super stace was encouraging me (2) I thought the denseness of chex would help overcome by far the largest problem with life cereal, the sogginess that happens at the bottom of the bowl that causes some involuntary gag-y-ness if I think about it to much.  After trying it 2 times over the past week, this is my review

Jeremy: There are two kinds of square things in the cereal.  One that looks and tastes like normal chex (The grossest rice kind) and one that looks and tastes like cinnamon life.
Ryan:  The combination seems to not work very well
Derrick: My stomach hurts

House

This is my new house, which is the smallest house on the block but seems huge right now.  I think I will name it something after Jorge Borges.  

Happy 10/4/14

Derrick: great time at friend's house warming party
Ryan: Planning for the future, getting a lot of good ideas
Jeremy:  Accomplishing so many things on our day off, ending the night feeling good, which doesn't always happen on weekends

8 month pregnant wife quote of the day

"Why does everything I love fall to the ground?" after she dropped her laffy taffy on the ground

Patient Quote of the day

Occupational Therapist running a patient through a independent living skills test: A person gets into a taxi and says "take me to my mother's house".  What did the person do wrong?"

Patient: She forgot to say please

Review of my breakfast, brought to us by the internet telling me I can cook almost anything in a mug in the microwave

1. Microwave scrambled eggs
Jeremy: Not the worst thing we have eaten lately, but it was a little runny, couldn't really taste the cheese, not an even texture
Ryan: Next time I will use less milk, try to add different ingredients.  A good start, excited to try to perfect it
Derrick: You mean we get to do this all the time? Awesome.  I was getting tired of cereal and tv dinner breakfast burritos they serve everyone at work. And it gives us an excuse to use the crushed red peppers. The one thing I love more than crushed red peppers is the idea of using crushed read peppers all the time.

2. Microwave french toast
Jeremy: Very uneven in texture.  Some of the "french toast was eggie, some of it tasted like bread, and it was either too dry or too squishy.  No matter how much syrup we added it didn't seem to make a difference
Ryan: I don't know if this one is redeemable.  If I try it again I wouldn't use the twig and nut bread that Super Stace buys, because it made it really dense.  And I think we needed more mixture to poor over the bread
Derrick:  My stomach hurts

Review of the post about goals I just wrote from 3 different parts of my personality

Jeremy: Thankful for taking the risk, acting like an adult even before I feel it, but not thinking it is a good idea that the plan is no different than other plans
Ryan: I am always idealistic, but I really don't want it to fail and I would have to be the one to suffer through all the pain of shame and hopelessness that leads to being tired and depressed
Derrick: Don't like Jeremy's idea of acting before it is authentic, but I do like the idea of bringing out more of my personality with being personable.  I remember when we were personable all the time.  It was great.
Jeremy: I don't think we should listen too much to Derrick.  We have a real job now with lots of people counting on us, and Derrick always gets us in trouble.
Ryan: Yeah, there is a part of me that thinks it is time to grow up and I think looking more like Jeremy would be a good step
Derrick:  I think Jeremy isn't very funny
Jeremy: The world is way too serious to worry about being funny all the time.  This isn't a joke
Derrick: The world is way too serious.  That is why we need to be funny.  To teach it a lesson.  A funny lesson

Goals

For years I have avoided goals, as it often does two things to me when I have a lot of personal goals.
1. I keep it up for a while, putting a lot of work into it, then can't keep it up and fall apart into a mass of depression and hopelessness
2. I feel like I am so far from who I was or who I need to be that it is hopeless to start

Now I am ready to try again, with no reassurance that anything will be different.  Also I have my baby coming in 2 weeks and I hear "It changes everything" which sounds great to me.

Goals
1. Become more personable.  I like that word, and I like the mental picture I get when I focus on that word
2. Exercise regularly
3. Have a much more stable schedule for my evening hours.  Exercise at 19:00 while watching television, watch a short show with super stace at 20:00.  Be in Bed by 21:00 and read till I fall asleep
4. Adapt and survive the first few months of Hurricane Soletta.

Today at work

1. Had a terrible headache
2. Still met with staff, solved small problems from over night
3. Took Pain reliever, drank black tea and water to limit headache
4. Met with OT who said a patient might not need to go to the state hospital
5. Talked to Transition Coordinator to see if the outpatient team could handle her in community
6. Talked to the clinician to make the actual decision
7. Talked to the defense lawyer about stopping our petition for the state hospital
8. Went with Lawyer to tell the patient who was very happy
9. Head still hurt
10. Read all the charting from Yesterday
11. Checked in with staff, including making sure intern and new staff were up to date
12. Lead the most painful staffing I have ever done in only 55 minutes!
13. Made sure everything in staffing was carried out
14. Went home sick without lunch

Three things that made me happy today 10/2

Derrick:  Super and I made pumpkin cookies
Jeremy: Great day at work, interviewed two more people
Ryan: Good Chat with my boss and friend, dreaming for the future

Goals for my personalities for the rest of the year

I have realized that not only do I need more balance between my personalities, I need more maturity from them as well.
Derrick needs to point his aggressiveness away from individuals and towards systems. Time with Addie would help him well
Ryan needs to move his idealism from anxiety and expectation to opportunity. He needs to spend time with Bear Hawk
Jeremy needs to move his love of educating from having to be an expert to being incredibly curious. I think I need him to spend time with my transitional object, pooh bear

Happiness 10/1

Derrick: Soletta's Birth month!
Jeremy: Excellent progress at work, including new employee's starting tomorrow
Ryan: Finally Chose a middle name for Soletta

Library for my soul today

Treatment planning with patient

 

Dear Jeremy or guy that barely listens! I did not come in here on Drugs! and I will not leave on Drugs!

30-something year old male who came in for Spice-induced psychosis.  He left without drugs, legal or otherwise.  

Patient Poetry

If I could eagle away the pain I would but the stresses of distance aren't sounding the way they should
E breath the through the shackles of our own decite took break away our silent fears
I break Up to gas down cause I know myself how easily i could destroy the sweat serenade
The least of which I could shapes feeling into a deadly dance in the concrete jungle by which we laugh and cry and dance and sigh
A life of love is still little else but a dance with yourself for of course e could live with the coldest breathes we may pertain to


22 year old man who came in for drug induced psychosis

Difficult things I did, 10/1

Derrick: Staying at work and not taking a nap

Ryan: Exercising when I was tired

Jeremy: Recommending the applicant I want for another unit

 “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” ― M. Scott Peck

Three Things that made me happy

Ryan: Writing up my own performance review, taking risks by asking about my glasses and signing up for cpr class
Derrick: Taking a nap
Jeremy: Getting lots of things done at work, delegating well

Rooms for my soul

A few years ago I read St Teresa of Avila's powerful "The Interior Castle". It took me a long time to get a good feel for the book, as it was written in 1577 and she lived inside a specture of religion that has much more guilt and Angst than any I have experienced. But at the very end, I found my entry way. She talked about making rooms in your soul for God to spent time in, and nurting these rooms. This seemed so powerful to me that I have been meditating on this for the last 4 years or so, building and nurting different rooms for reflection, meditation, relaxation and places to feel in the presence of God. So far my main rooms are a library/study, a tatami room, a little chapel in the woods and a quiet indoor pool

                                                 

Who am I at work?

I have been very worried that I am out of balance at work.  My belief is that if Derrick, Jeremy and Ryan are all coming out in healthy fashions I will be a good boss and held patients with their mental illness.  But I have noticed that I have been bringing mainly 2 parts of me, and only parts of those parts.  I noticed that the professional, teacher side of Jeremy Gleed and the instigating side of Derrick were my most common roles at work.  I have been trying to bring more of Ryan, the side who connects deeply and loves long conversations, but this side has clearly not been nurtured in a long time and I will need more time.